The Random Dose of FUNNY Thread
- Thread starter Dave
- Start date
Brushogger
Adventurist
Russians may be crazy but they're tough.
http://cdnapi.kaltura.com/index.php/extwidget/openGraph/wid/1_fz9k2t30
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
http://cdnapi.kaltura.com/index.php/extwidget/openGraph/wid/1_fz9k2t30
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
4x4x4doors
Adventurist
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?
Negative, maam. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, maam, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?
1955, maam.
Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now. [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=-1] [/SIZE][/FONT]
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?
Negative, maam. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, maam, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?
1955, maam.
Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now. [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=-1] [/SIZE][/FONT]
Team Balls Out
Adventurist
Team Balls Out
Adventurist
Older American Adventurists...
HE WALKED UP AND TIED HIS OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS HE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HIS FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD MAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD MAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD MAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE; NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, OLD MAN, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD MAN'S FEET.
THE OLD MAN PROSPECTOR, NOT WANTING TO GET HIS TOE BLOWN OFF, STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD MAN TURNED TO HIS PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD MAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD MAN'S HANDS, AS HE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO SIR, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.
HE WALKED UP AND TIED HIS OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS HE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HIS FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD MAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD MAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD MAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE; NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, OLD MAN, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD MAN'S FEET.
THE OLD MAN PROSPECTOR, NOT WANTING TO GET HIS TOE BLOWN OFF, STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD MAN TURNED TO HIS PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD MAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD MAN'S HANDS, AS HE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO SIR, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.
4x4x4doors
Adventurist
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper once."
- Anonymous
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- >From an old carrier sailor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
and "Oh Shit!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper once."
- Anonymous
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- >From an old carrier sailor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
and "Oh Shit!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
4x4x4doors
Adventurist
^^^Love it. It's wrong on so many levels but I still love it!
