The Random Dose of FUNNY Thread
- Thread starter Dave
- Start date
Used Jeep - Craigslist
FS: 1997 Jeep Cherokee (XJ)220K Miles, 4.0 L in-line 6, 4WD, AUTOMATIC Transmission, Bright Red, Straight Stock, Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense. POWER MIRRORS! Woo Hoo! $1750
Here's the deal, kids:This is a Jeep Cherokee. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character. It's a Jeep. It rides like a Jeep. It drives like a Jeep. All of these are GOOD things. It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used. This will be apparent in the pictures.- If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid shit:THIS IS YOUR JEEP.- Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?- Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?- While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?- Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?- Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?- When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?- Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?- Could you not care less?- Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?- Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?- Do you still miss your first ride?- Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?- Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?- Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.DETAILS:- I am the second owner. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.- I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.- The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points. I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.- It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter! If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!- Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it. I dented it backing into a concrete pole. Sober. We drove away giggling, for the record. Haven't fixed it.- Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.- Radiator has a small leak. Pinhole. I can replace the radiator or you can. Really doesn't matter A new radiator and hoses will run $145. If you don't want to replace them I will. Add $250 to the price of vehicle. This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer). A freaking bargain.- The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.- Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly- Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles. I haven't upgraded because I had plans: Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires. Life got in the way - it ain't happening.- Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter's idea, take it up with her.- Flogging Molly sticker stays as well. They kick ass, so there.QUESTIONS:-Why are you selling?I can't justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money. Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.-What's wrong with it?Radiator. Small oil leaks. Driver's side door cosmetic issues. And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.-Does the 4WD work?Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?No. I'm not in the salvage business. Buy the Jeep. Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number] Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of shit honda project down the road. I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.-Why is it still stock?Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project. I haven't had the time to do so. So I am selling it.-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?I don't give a shit. But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!-Would this make a good car for my daughter?Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance. Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.-Can you deliver?Within reason. I'd drive it a hundred miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?Would you take a ball peen hammer to the forehead? No. I'll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don't show.-Will you ship to -?No. See above.-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?That's great, I don't give a shit. Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750. Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it. But if it's going to a good home - I will sell. Unless you're an asshole - then no sale.-Why are you such a dick?Everything is relative; you should see my friends.Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.________________
FS: 1997 Jeep Cherokee (XJ)220K Miles, 4.0 L in-line 6, 4WD, AUTOMATIC Transmission, Bright Red, Straight Stock, Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense. POWER MIRRORS! Woo Hoo! $1750
Here's the deal, kids:This is a Jeep Cherokee. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character. It's a Jeep. It rides like a Jeep. It drives like a Jeep. All of these are GOOD things. It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used. This will be apparent in the pictures.- If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.- If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm:THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid shit:THIS IS YOUR JEEP.- Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?- Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?- While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?- Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?- Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?- When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?- Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?- Could you not care less?- Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?- Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?- Do you still miss your first ride?- Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?- Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?- Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.DETAILS:- I am the second owner. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.- I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.- The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points. I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.- It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter! If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!- Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it. I dented it backing into a concrete pole. Sober. We drove away giggling, for the record. Haven't fixed it.- Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.- Radiator has a small leak. Pinhole. I can replace the radiator or you can. Really doesn't matter A new radiator and hoses will run $145. If you don't want to replace them I will. Add $250 to the price of vehicle. This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer). A freaking bargain.- The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.- Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly- Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles. I haven't upgraded because I had plans: Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires. Life got in the way - it ain't happening.- Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter's idea, take it up with her.- Flogging Molly sticker stays as well. They kick ass, so there.QUESTIONS:-Why are you selling?I can't justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money. Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.-What's wrong with it?Radiator. Small oil leaks. Driver's side door cosmetic issues. And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.-Does the 4WD work?Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?No. I'm not in the salvage business. Buy the Jeep. Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number] Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of shit honda project down the road. I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.-Why is it still stock?Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project. I haven't had the time to do so. So I am selling it.-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?I don't give a shit. But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!-Would this make a good car for my daughter?Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance. Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.-Can you deliver?Within reason. I'd drive it a hundred miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?Would you take a ball peen hammer to the forehead? No. I'll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don't show.-Will you ship to -?No. See above.-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?That's great, I don't give a shit. Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750. Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it. But if it's going to a good home - I will sell. Unless you're an asshole - then no sale.-Why are you such a dick?Everything is relative; you should see my friends.Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.________________
4x4x4doors
Adventurist
I don't even want an XJ and I'd likely go talk to him and take along cash in case I changed my mind....
4x4x4doors
Adventurist
I came across two Ensigns arguing with each other on my first boat. They saw me approaching, one of them waved me over to them. It seems they were trying to decide if having sex was work or if it was pleasure. My response was it had to be pleasure, because if it was work, they'd have me doing it for them!
Team Balls Out
Adventurist
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Team Balls Out
Adventurist
[h=3][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A Texas Chili Contest[/FONT][/h][h=4][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This classic tale was last forwarded to me by Gene Pettit. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This story is about an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. [/FONT][/h][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3) [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more enthusiasm.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- A decent chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.**[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge# 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3) [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more enthusiasm.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- A decent chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.**[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge# 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?[/FONT]
Team Balls Out
Adventurist
Why do women close their eyes during Sex... They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Team Balls Out
Adventurist
Somebody farts in Hitler's bunker! http://youtu.be/0JeaNlMqU1s
