jscusmcvet
Adventurist
Just plain funny.
Military Humor
- Thread starter jscusmcvet
- Start date
4x4x4doors
Adventurist
Civilian friend: you were in the Navy. How do I know if I've been drinking too much? I got drunk a couple of times this month and was wondering.
Me: first of all, I am shocked and appalled that you would truly think that I would know anything about excessive drinking just because I'm a Sailor! That insults every Sailor in the United States! You should be ashamed, sir! Shame on you!
Civilian friend: sorry. I just thought that...
Me *cuts him off*: and second of all, unless the EMTs are standing over your freshly still body about to jam that 6 inch needle full of "go-juice" through your sternum and into your heart to restart it, you should be ok. If they do, though, be careful pulling it out. It stings a little. Then take a couple days off before hitting the bar again. You'll be fine.
Me: first of all, I am shocked and appalled that you would truly think that I would know anything about excessive drinking just because I'm a Sailor! That insults every Sailor in the United States! You should be ashamed, sir! Shame on you!
Civilian friend: sorry. I just thought that...
Me *cuts him off*: and second of all, unless the EMTs are standing over your freshly still body about to jam that 6 inch needle full of "go-juice" through your sternum and into your heart to restart it, you should be ok. If they do, though, be careful pulling it out. It stings a little. Then take a couple days off before hitting the bar again. You'll be fine.
A Chief Petty Officer does not drink.
If he does drink, he does not get drunk.
If he does get drunk, he does not stagger.
If he does stagger, he does not fall down.
But if he does fall down, he does so in such a fashion that his rating badge is concealed, so that passers by will think he is merely a junior officer.
If he does drink, he does not get drunk.
If he does get drunk, he does not stagger.
If he does stagger, he does not fall down.
But if he does fall down, he does so in such a fashion that his rating badge is concealed, so that passers by will think he is merely a junior officer.
verdesard0g
Adventurist
retired chief 
Gallowbraid
Adventurist
Sounds a lot like the speech you give @Brett C at the start of every RendezvousA Chief Petty Officer does not drink.
If he does drink, he does not get drunk.
If he does get drunk, he does not stagger.
If he does stagger, he does not fall down.
But if he does fall down, he does so in such a fashion that his rating badge is concealed, so that passers by will think he is merely a junior officer.
bvanderberg
Adventurist
Resolution Establishing the Continential Marines
Congressional Act
Continential Congress
10 November 1775JOURNAL OF THE CONTINENTIAL CONGRESS
(Philadelphia) Friday, November 10, 1775
(Philadelphia) Friday, November 10, 1775
Resolved, That two Battalions of marines be raised, consisting of one Colonel, two Lieutenant Colonels, two Majors, and other officers as usual in other regiments; and that they consist of an equal number of privates with other battalions; that particular care be taken, that no persons be appointed to office, or enlisted into said Battalions, but such as are good seamen, or so acquainted with maritime affairs as to be able to serve to advantage by sea when required; that they be enlisted and commissioned to serve for and during the present war between Great Britain and the colonies, unless dismissed by order of Congress: that they be distinguished by the names of the first and second battalions of American Marines, and that they be considered as part of the number which the continental Army before Boston is ordered to consist of.
Stow it, doc.
jscusmcvet
Adventurist
Damn right apes together strong... You say that like it is an insult 
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there"?
"They said, 'Good morning, Master Chief.'"
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there"?
"They said, 'Good morning, Master Chief.'"
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents,"
They can't believe their good luck. They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents,"
They can't believe their good luck. They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"
During training exercises, the 2nd Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another staff car stuck deep in the mud with a red-faced full bird Colonel at the wheel.
"Your car stuck, Sir?" asked the 2nd Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
"Your car stuck, Sir?" asked the 2nd Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.
He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"
The General gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The General looks at the second young man and asks: "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says: "I chop wood!"
“Son,” the general replies: “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “He’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says: “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"
The General gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The General looks at the second young man and asks: "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says: "I chop wood!"
“Son,” the general replies: “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “He’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says: “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”