I appreciate all the replies and take it all to heart. Here’s are some things I’ve written down as reminders for myself.
Don’t fight with your ex-spouse —over the phone or in person— in front of the children.
Don’t criticize your former mate in front of the children. When your children criticize an absent parent, don’t encourage them or join in.
Don’t force children to choose between their parents, and don’t turn them against your ex-spouse.
Don’t allow children to bully you with threats of moving in with the other parent. Condoning such emotional blackmail will encourage them to become manipulative and may even hinder their moral development.
Don’t use children to spy on your ex-spouse, forcing information out of them upon their return from each visit.
Don’t ask children to carry angry messages from you to your ex-spouse.
Don’t put a child down with such remarks as, “You’re just like your father/mother.” Not only does this strike the child as a criticism of the other parent but it may also make the child feel doomed to repeat their mistakes.
Do prove yourself a good listener, letting your children express their feelings —even feelings you don’t agree with.
Do communicate clearly, freely, and openly. Protect them, though, from details they do not need to know. Your son or daughter may seem the ideal confidant. But remember, a child is neither a miniature adult nor a surrogate spouse, however mature he or she may seem.
Do comfort your children and assure them that they did not cause the divorce, nor can they now jump in and save your marriage.
Do show plenty of genuine, warm affection. Children may assume that parents who can stop loving each other can just as easily stop loving their children.
Do cooperate with your ex-spouse in protecting the children from your disputes.
Do balance praise with discipline, setting fair limits and realistic goals.
Do set the example yourself, avoiding the immoral behavior you teach them to avoid.
Do spend as much of your leisure time with the children as possible.